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Author Jim Devine
Date 07/02/28/22:22
Hit Count 758

from HARPER'S:

An appeals court in Washington, D.C., ruled that the writ of habeas
corpus does not apply to prisoners in the American concentration camp
at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Americans celebrated the 275th birthday of George Washington, and
President George W. Bush compared the War on Terror to the American
Revolution: "General Washington understood that the Revolutionary War
was a test of wills, and his will was unbreakable." British Prime
Minister Tony Blair announced that he would bring home more than 1,600
of the 7,100 British troops in Iraq.

Vice President Dick Cheney said that the withdrawal was "an
affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty
well"; he also said that breaking "the will of the American people"
was Al Qaeda's strategy. "They win because we quit." "Dick was always
very realistic," said Kenneth Adelman, an arms-control official in the
Reagan Administration and friend to Cheney. "I don't really understand
how month after month he gets briefings showing Iraq's getting worse
and worse, and he engages in all this happy talk."

The day after a Sunni imam in Fallujah issued a condemnation against
Sunni militants, a truck bomb exploded beside his mosque, killing 36
worshippers and wounding at least 62 more.

A suicide bomber at a Baghdad university blew herself up, killing more
than 40 people and scattering purses, pens, textbooks, and fingers.

For its temporary embassy in Washington, D.C., the Iraqi government
purchased a $5.8-million Tudor-style mansion across the street from
the home of Dick Cheney on Massachusetts Avenue. The mansion features
a built-in espresso machine, heated floors, soft pistachio carpeting,
and a Jacuzzi.

Ted Wells, Scooter Libby's defense lawyer, gave his closing argument.
"He's been under my protection for the last month," Wells told the
jurors, "now I'm entrusting him to you." Then, he sobbed, "Give him
back! Give him back to me!" Wells then went back to his chair and

It was discovered that Abdul Tawala Ibn Alishtari, an indicted
terrorist financier, gave more than $15,000 to the National Republican
Congressional Committee. "We need to be careful," said the NRCC in a
statement, "not to rush to judgment."

An audit of the Justice Department's statistics on terrorism released
by the Inspector General revealed that successful efforts in
counterterrorism had been inflated, and the statistics in general were

Satellite radio companies XM and Sirius announced plans to merge but
faced opposition from the National Association of Broadcasters. "In
coming weeks," said Dennis Wharton, a NAB spokesperson, "policymakers
will have to weigh whether an industry that makes Howard Stern its
poster child should be rewarded with a monopoly platform for offensive

Residents of New Orleans celebrated Mardi Gras with brass bands,
parades of Zulu warriors and Day-Glo feathered Indians, vats of gumbo,
and pounds of turkey necks and pigs' feet. "It's back, y'all," Mayor
Ray Nagin exclaimed. "It's back!"

At an ethanol-enzyme production plant in North Carolina, President
Bush slipped into a white lab coat and safety glasses, hoisted a
beaker of clear ethanol, and said that he "quit drinking in '86."

Scientists said "quasicrystalline" designs in medieval Iranian
architecture indicated that Islamic scholars had made a mathematical
breakthrough that Western scholars achieved only decades ago and
concluded that ancient Iranian culture was very, very smart.

Congress approved the Defense Department's request to spend $18
million to convert, in preparation for a post-Castro Cuba, a U.S. Navy
base at Guantanamo into a shelter that could house 500,000 fleeing

Children at a circus performance in Colombia watched as an attacker
shot and killed two clowns, and in Guatemala a dozen homes and two
teenagers were swallowed up by a 330-foot-deep sinkhole.

Twelve senior citizens on a beach excursion in Costa Rica during their
Carnival Cruise Line vacations drove off two muggers, while a
70-year-old American put a third in a headlock, broke his clavicle,
and strangled him to death.

With its new slogan "The Light is On for You," The Archdiocese of
Washington launched a marketing blitz that included ads on buses and
subway cars, 100,000 brochures, and a highway billboard in an effort
to get Catholics to confess.

Kentucky Fried Chicken president Gregg Dedrick wrote a personal letter
to Pope Benedict XVI asking him to bless the company's 99-cent Fish

Catholic leaders criticized New York City for distributing 26 million
subway-themed condoms, and Josť, the first native beaver seen in the
city in 200 years, was spotted swimming up the Bronx River.

After widespread opposition from residents of Utah and Nevada, the
Pentagon canceled its plan to test a large non-nuclear bomb as part of
Operation Divine Strake.

It was revealed that the British Ministry of Defense once hired
psychics to find Osama bin Laden, and Defense Minister Des Browne
announced that Prince Harry, the 22-year-old son of Prince Charles and
Princess Diana, who is third in line to the throne, would be deployed
to Iraq.

Phoenix International Airport security officials using Smart-Check,
the airport's new X-ray vision scanner, could see travelers' weapons,
collarbones, and bellybuttons.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed that mothers
suffering from heartburn are likely to give birth to hairy newborns,
and scientists in Senegal watched chimpanzees fashion spears from
sticks and use their weapons to stab sleeping bush babies.

Thousands of spectators at the Rose Monday parade in Mainz, Germany,
watched a float of President Bush being spanked by the Statue of

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