|Poll: In Match-up Between Hillary and Kerry, Most Democrats Would Choose Suicide
Survey Spells Trouble for Dems, Pollster Says [by Andy Borowitz]
A NEW SURVEY OF DEMOCRATIC voters indicates that in a hypothetical
match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential
nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research
Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21%, Sen. Clinton 18%, and various
forms of suicide 61%.
"Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most
popular means of suicide at 22%, with "jumping off the roof of a
really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17%.
According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of
suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential
presidential candidates in 2008.
"It's still very early, but even at this stage of the game the
prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn't be making
Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers," Mr. Pritchard
Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that
while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than
Sen. Clinton, adding, "That's better than a sharp stick in the eye."
But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry's upbeat
assessment: "In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye
beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin."
Elsewhere, reacting to the Pope's recent gaffes about Muslims,
President Bush said. "I guess I'm the only person left who's