|DEMOCRATS ALREADY FOCUSING ON LOSING IN 2008
Talent Search Under Way in Massachusetts [by Andy Borowitz]
Having licked their wounds from the 2004 presidential election, the
national Democratic Party is already focusing on the future - with an
eye toward losing in 2008.
"Everyone here is very well aware that we have a losing streak to
protect," said Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe.
"We are going to do everything in our power to keep that streak alive."
The DNC hit the ground running moments after Sen. John Kerry's
concession speech last Wednesday by officially announcing that the party
would "totally write off the South" in 2008.
"We have told the South to take their electoral votes and shove them,"
In order to find the right nominee to take the party down in flames in
2008, the DNC has already begun their quadrennial talent search in
Massachusetts, Mr. McAuliffe confirmed.
"In order to lose, it's very important that we allow the Republicans to
brand us as Northeastern liberals," Mr. McAuliffe. "Choosing a nominee
from Massachusetts would help us help them make that case."
Mr. McAuliffe said that while there was "no guarantee" that the party's
talent search would yield the next John Kerry or Michael Dukakis, "We've
got our fingers crossed."
But the party chairman was quick to add that the 2008 nominee need not
be from Massachusetts "as long as he has an irritating voice and a wife
who can prove that she'll be a genuine liability."
Elsewhere, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader disbanded his
national campaign staff, explaining that she had to finish her sophomore