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The Third Presidential Debate
Author Dave Anderson
Date 00/10/17/18:59
Hit Count 755

I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. I wonder who wrote it?


Campaign 2000:
The Third Presidential Debate


Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have
agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will
ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one
minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly
while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three
more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his
or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made
love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid
marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My
opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.
I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an
ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta
Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been
selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that
she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me.
Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people,
crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity
exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own
decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan
Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia,
would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that
guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I
would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies.
And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with
that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You
know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy
decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who
was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in
the Franco-Prussian War. And

when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to
Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find
romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge
to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by
putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people
deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social
Security system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give
$50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal
treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my
budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee
that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their
homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them
with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: hat's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I
have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide
whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene
or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician,
but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition
to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for
Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by
electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.

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