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unequivocal statement from the US State Department
Author Jim Devine
Date 11/02/22/09:33
Hit Count 207

State Department Offers Support ‘to Whoever Winds Up Winning’
Promises ‘Strongest Possible Monitoring of Events from Afar’


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – As pro-democracy protests spread
around the world, the US State Department today issued its strongest
words to date about the situation, offering “to stand by whichever
side winds up winning.”

That pro-winning-side message, articulated today by Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, was intended to send a clear signal that the United
States is willing to put all of its power and prestige on the line as
soon as matters are settled by others.

“The United States has and will always be a beacon of freedom and
democracy,” Secretary Clinton said. “And in that capacity, we are
vigilantly standing on the sidelines and offering the strongest
possible monitoring of events from afar.”

Joining her at the State Department press conference, President Barack
Obama echoed her statement, telling reporters, “I am behind Secretary
Clinton’s mixed message one hundred percent.”

“To dictators who think they can get away with oppressing their
people, let me say this,” President Obama continued. “The United
States of America is standing by, thousands of miles away, to see how
this mess turns out.”

As for any possible change in policy in the future, Secretary Clinton
seemed to rule that out: “We will remain consistent in our policy of
issuing meaningless statements at random intervals.”

Sec. Clinton, however, did urge dictators to resist the temptation to
pass power on to their sons: “If that had happened on ‘The West Wing,’
that would have been Charlie Sheen.”

[by Andy Borowitz]

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