|Bush: Ahmadinejad Must Dismantle Last Name
Threatens Sanctions Against Polysyllabic Leader [by Andy Borowitz]
THE WAR OF words between the United States and Iran heated up today as
President George W. Bush demanded that Iranian President Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad dismantle his last name or face serious sanctions.
Speaking from the Rose Garden at the White House, Mr. Bush made it
clear that he believed Mr. Ahmadinejad's possession of a
difficult-to-pronounce, polysyllabic last name was a provocative act
that the United States was not prepared to tolerate.
"The time has come for the Iranian president to make a choice," Mr.
Bush warned. "Does he want to continue down this dangerous,
polysyllabic path, or does he want to join the community of
peace-loving, monosyllabic world leaders?"
Under a plan being floated through diplomatic channels, Mr.
Ahmadinejad's last name would be subject to U.N. inspections and then
dismantled syllable by syllable, ultimately
to be stored in a secure U.S. military facility in Tennessee.
Mr. Bush's warning to President Ahmadinejad predictably garnered the
support of several of his monosyllabic counterparts, such as Britain's
Tony Blair, South Korea's Roh Moo Hyun and the Czech Republic's Václav
But his strong rhetoric was less warmly received by members of the
so-called "polysyllabic movement," led by Equatorial Guinea's
President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo.
"We in the polysyllabic movement were offended by the president's
remarks," Mr. Mbasogo said. "If Mr. Bush can pronounce the word
'polysyllabic,' he should have no problem with 'Ahmadinejad.'"