|BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
By S. Artist
AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush
filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus
from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint
seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon,
asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of
checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas,
asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist
all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify
the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration,
deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is
nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times
does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking
over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf
removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them
under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named
Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and
blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother
just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't
check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct
plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the
honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the
world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said,
adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the
pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest
development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the
North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to
leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and
delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said
he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the
spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.