Bureau of Caucasian Affairs
Source Dave Anderson
Date 99/10/18/16:44

The Bureau of Caucasian Affairs

United Native Americans are proud to announce that it has
bought the state of California from the whites and is
throwing it open to Indian settlement.

UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in
San Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen
for the white people of California. These winos promptly
signed the treaty, which was written in Sioux, and sold
California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin,
and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian
Affairs, has announced the following new policies: The
Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of
ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley,
The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and
the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to
the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass
grows" (or until the Indians want it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in
trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs,
and any white who wants to use his land in any way must
secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and
handicrafts at stands by the highway. Each white will be
provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis
shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy

If your are competent enough, you will be able to be a
BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less
than one year of education, must not speak English, must
have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty,
and a certificate of incompetence. No Whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of
four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be
sent at the age of six (6). "We want to take those kids
far away from the backward culture of their parents," he
said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island; the
Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and
there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking
English. All students arriving at the school will
immediately be given IQ tests to determine their
understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as
follows:0 Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor,
Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to
Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the
Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to
the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will
have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time
chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And
each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack
knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and
products will be given traditional white names.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that
in his upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use
many actual whites to play the parts of soldiers,
speaking real English, although, of course, the part of
Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be
allowed. Whites will not be allowed to practice their
heathen religions, and will be required to attend Indian
ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to
convert the whites on the reservations. White churches
will either be made into amusement parks or museums or
will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as
souvenirs and curiosities. --

>Sage Douglas Remington - Southern Ute Grassroots Organization
>(SUGO) and Native Environmental Justice Advocacy Fund (NEJAF)
>Post Office Box 637 - Southern Ute Indian Reservation
>Ignacio, Colorado 81137 Email Address:
>970/563-9522 Fax: 970/563-4116 (Use cover sheet)
> "Where there is no vision, the people perish"

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